Today is women’s day of wagging tongues and straight talk. I have ‘smuggled’ myself into an all women den called Bridal Shower, somewhere within the low density areas of the commercial city of Blantyre.
You wonder how? Well, one of the organisers of this function was my ‘prospective’ and she is the type that wants my company always – maybe it’s just that disease of cosmetic affection that goes with new lovers.
Of course, she is a crafty lady who convinced her organiser-friends that I am one of the best at manning public address systems alongside turn-tables, adding to my reputation an accolade of a ‘super DJ’.
That sugar-coated talk has really earned me a rare occasion of having a feel of what ladies do behind the closed gates in the guise of bridal showers. Really, I am getting showered big time, but let me be honest that the ladies have fast surpassed the talk I always have when hanging out with my usual loquacious friends.
“You know what, we can talk and talk of pleasing husbands and the lovers some of us cohabitate with, but it is all a vain talk. Most of these men don’t know how to appreciate the good services we women provide them. Ngofoyira amuna amenewa (they are crazy),” says one fully-grown lady, donning clothes that dominates in very bright colours.
The venue engages a gear of active talk and men bashing. About five other ladies chronicle how they have always sacrificed their hard earned money from business errands to buy pleasure from their husbands but the men spend their nights elsewhere.
“We come here, we share ideas to bring these men closer home but what do we get? We only get less affection and larger gaps from our spouses. It is sad, one day we should go on strike so that they know how we feel,” says a young lady, light in complexion, who is being addressed as ‘Aunt Shamida’.
Aunt Shamida has the support of some elderly ladies. One of them says she has been married for thirty years but the husband continues to behave the ‘useless way’ he was conducting himself in the early years of marriage.
“Just imagine, he still comes home in the early hours and pesters me to wake up and prepare food for him. He has been doing this all these years and he is not maturing in his conduct despite having grey hair all-over,” she says, wiping tears.
“Mukufuna kunena kuti simuwasungila nsima madalawo (do you want to say you don’t keep food for him so that he eats when he comes ‘late’)? Asks a younger lady sitting closer to her.
“No my daughter, that is not the case. I usually make sure I cook his favourite dishes and always keep the food warm in best food warmers. However, when he comes he wakes me up and demands that I cook fresh food, saying he does not eat left-over’s. Worse still, my daughters, let me be honest with you that my husband demands that I hold the plates in my hands while sitting down on the floor for the entire period he is eating – and, mind you, this is sometimes around 4 AM,” says the ‘old’ lady.
“Mama, why don’t you report that husband of yours to the rights activists? That is the worst form of violence against women!” exclaims another younger lady stressing she is a lawyer and can assist.
“What? You mean I should cause suffering to my husband through your so called activists? No, no! This man has fathered all of my ten children; eight of them have graduated from various universities. I love him despite all this, and by the way culturally you are supposed to suffer in silence in marriage set up,” says the ‘old’ lady, however igniting rebuke from most of those present.
And this other cute young and slim lady laments how her lover has always abused resources from her business by embezzling money to enjoy with school girls. She says: “Just imagine that this boy does not work or do any business yet he is the man about town. He drives my cars all over, enjoying with these school kids, using my money.”
“And why not dump him?” asks another of the women.
“Kodi simudziwa kuti amuna akusowa (don’t you know men are scarce these days)?” shoots back the lady.
But five other ladies propose a way forward to punish and expose ‘useless and ‘wreck less’ men.
One of them says: “Let’s follow the example of this other newspaper that assesses and rates the country’s president, vice and cabinet. We should each do an assessment of our husbands or lovers and buy space in newspapers and expose them – obviously some of them would be rated “Too useless for a husband or lover, after getting 0 – 4 points!”
A 10- minute noisy applause follows that suggestion.